The Person Everyone Assumes Will Take Care of Everything

6 days ago

3 min read

Almost every family seems to have one person who becomes the unofficial organiser.

They're the person who remembers birthdays, knows which medication Mum takes and can find the telephone number for the plumber Dad used three years ago. When there's a hospital appointment, they somehow end up driving. When a form needs completing, it appears on their kitchen table. When something goes wrong, they're usually the first person everyone calls.

Sometimes it's the eldest child. Sometimes it's the daughter who lives closest. Sometimes it's simply the family member who has always appeared the most capable.

Over time, a curious thing can happen. Because that person is so dependable, everyone quietly assumes they'll continue to take care of everything.

Capability Can Become Expectation

There is usually no malice behind this. Quite the opposite. Choosing someone as an executor or attorney is generally an expression of enormous trust.

The problem is that trust can easily become assumption.

A parent preparing a Will may instinctively appoint the child who has always dealt with practical matters as executor. When arranging Lasting Powers of Attorney, the same name appears again. Perhaps they're also expected to organise care, deal with the house and keep their siblings informed.

Individually, each decision seems perfectly sensible. Collectively, they can place an enormous responsibility on one pair of shoulders.

Being the person everyone relies upon can feel remarkably similar to being the person nobody remembered to ask.

That is why appointing someone to an important role should ideally begin with a conversation.

"Of Course She'll Do It"

I've heard variations of that phrase many times.

Of course she'll do it. She's always been good with paperwork.

Of course he'll do it. He lives nearest.

Of course they'll sort everything out. They're the sensible one.

Perhaps they will. But it is worth remembering that the person you appoint has a life of their own.

They may have a demanding career, young children, grandchildren or caring responsibilities. They may live several hours away. They may be perfectly competent but deeply uncomfortable dealing with financial matters. Their relationship with other members of the family may also make the role more difficult than it first appears.

Being capable of doing something doesn't necessarily mean someone is the best person to do it.

Executor, Attorney, Carer, Organiser

It's also important to recognise that these are different roles.

An executor deals with your estate after your death. An attorney may need to make decisions during your lifetime if you are unable to make them yourself. A family member providing practical care is doing something different again.

There is no rule saying that the same person must perform every role.

Indeed, sharing responsibility can sometimes work extremely well. One child may be particularly comfortable with financial matters, while another understands a parent's personal wishes and healthcare preferences far better.

Executors can sometimes be appointed together, and attorneys can be chosen in ways that reflect different strengths.

The aim shouldn't be mathematical equality between siblings. It should be creating an arrangement that is practical and likely to work.

Ask the Person You're Appointing

This sounds obvious, but it is surprising how often people discover that they've been appointed only when the role suddenly becomes relevant.

Talking beforehand gives someone the opportunity to understand what you're asking of them. It also allows them to raise concerns that you may never have considered.

Perhaps your chosen executor is happy to act but would prefer to do so alongside a sibling. Perhaps an attorney would be comfortable dealing with healthcare decisions but not investments. Perhaps the child who lives closest already feels overwhelmed by caring responsibilities.

These aren't reasons to abandon your plans. They're reasons to make better ones.

Make Their Job Easier

Choosing the right person is only part of the equation. You can also make an enormous difference by leaving your affairs organised.

Make sure your executors know where your Will is stored. Keep a straightforward record of your financial providers and important contacts. Discuss your wishes with your attorneys so they understand the values that should guide their decisions.

None of this removes the responsibility from the people you've appointed, but it can make that responsibility considerably less daunting.

There is something deeply reassuring about knowing that somebody will step forward when we need them. Families do extraordinary things for one another every day, usually without complaint and often without recognition.

But perhaps the kindest way to honour the person you trust most isn't simply to give them responsibility.

It's to ask them first, prepare them properly and make sure they don't have to carry everything alone.