The Most Important Estate Planning Step Nobody Ever Does – The Family Meeting

Colin Barrett
Apr 2
3 min read

When people think about estate planning, they usually think about writing a Will. Some people also think about Lasting Powers of Attorney. A few think about inheritance tax planning.

Almost nobody thinks about having a family meeting.

And yet, in my experience, the biggest problems after someone dies are not caused by tax, legal documents or paperwork. They are caused by surprises, misunderstandings, and family members who all thought something different was going to happen.

In other words, many disputes don’t start because of what the Will says. They start because nobody talked about it beforehand.

The problem with silence

In many families, money and inheritance are subjects that are simply never discussed. Parents often believe they are doing the right thing by keeping everything private and not talking about their Will with their children.

Their thinking is usually something like: “I don’t want arguments while I’m alive.”

“I don’t want them thinking about my money.”

“It’s none of their business.”

“They’ll find out when I’m gone.”

Unfortunately, what often happens is that when the Will is eventually read, someone is surprised, someone feels treated unfairly, and someone feels hurt. And at that point, the one person who could have explained everything is no longer there.

Silence can be far more dangerous than honesty.

The purpose of a family meeting

A family meeting is not about discussing exact amounts of money or who is getting what in pounds and pence. It is about explaining your thinking, your intentions and your wishes so that there are no major surprises later.

A family meeting might include discussions about:

Who you have chosen as your executors and why
Who you have chosen as attorneys under your LPA and why
What you would like to happen to the family home
Whether you are planning to treat children equally or differently
Any gifts to grandchildren or charities
Your funeral wishes
Where important documents are kept
Who to contact when you die
Why certain decisions have been made

Very often, once people understand the reasoning behind decisions, they are far more accepting of them.

Unequal does not always mean unfair

One of the biggest causes of disputes is when children are not treated equally in a Will. Parents often have very good reasons for this, but if nobody explains those reasons, it can easily be seen as favouritism.

For example:

One child may already have received help with a house deposit
One child may have worked in the family business
One child may have provided care in later life
One child may be financially very secure already
One child may have special needs

These are all perfectly reasonable reasons to divide an estate unequally, but if nobody explains this beforehand, it can cause resentment that lasts for years and sometimes destroys families.

A simple conversation while you are alive can prevent a lifetime of misunderstanding after you are gone.

Choosing executors and attorneys

Another thing that often causes tension is the choice of executors or attorneys. People sometimes assume that the oldest child should automatically be in charge, or that all children should be appointed together.

But being an executor or attorney is a job, not an honour. It involves paperwork, responsibility, organisation, and sometimes difficult decisions.

If you explain your choices in advance, for example, “I chose your sister because she is very organised and lives nearby, but I trust all of you equally”, this can prevent people feeling overlooked or offended later.

It does not have to be formal

A family meeting does not have to be a formal event around a boardroom table. It can simply be a conversation over dinner, or a chat when everyone is together.

The important thing is not the format, it is the communication.

You are not asking permission, and you are not negotiating your Will. You are simply explaining your wishes and your reasoning so that your family understands your thinking.