But I Thought You Knew...

13 hours ago

4 min read

There are certain things we never think to explain to the people closest to us.

We assume our partner knows how we feel about the house, that our children understand why we helped one of them financially, or that everyone appreciates what we would want to happen if we were no longer around. After all, these are the people who know us better than anybody else. Surely they don't need everything spelling out?

The trouble is that familiarity can be a remarkably unreliable form of communication. Two people can share a home for thirty years, raise a family together and still have very different ideas about what the other would want in a difficult situation. We often discover these differences in the most unexpected circumstances, when the person who could have explained everything is no longer able to do so.

Consider a couple who have been married for decades. Over the years, they've occasionally talked about what should happen when one of them dies. Perhaps one assumes that everything will pass to the survivor, who will eventually divide it equally between the children. The other, meanwhile, has always intended that a particular sum should go directly to a grandchild, or that a treasured possession should remain within one side of the family. Neither has deliberately concealed anything. They've simply never had quite the same conversation.

And that's where misunderstandings begin.

The stories we tell ourselves

Human beings are very good at filling in the gaps. When we don't know precisely what somebody thinks, we make an educated guess based on what we know about them. Usually, this works reasonably well. We know how our partner takes their tea, which restaurant our daughter would choose for her birthday and whether Dad would rather receive a book or a bottle of whiskey at Christmas.

But knowing someone's preferences is not the same as knowing their intentions.

Estate planning decisions are often shaped by thoughts and concerns that we don't share openly. A parent might worry about a child's difficult marriage, another child's financial vulnerability or the possibility that a surviving spouse might eventually remarry. These concerns may influence how they want their estate protected, even though they have never discussed them with the people involved.

Sometimes silence comes from kindness. We don't want to upset anybody, appear distrustful or introduce uncomfortable subjects into an otherwise happy family gathering. We tell ourselves that there will be a better moment, perhaps after Christmas, when the children next visit, or when life is a little less busy.

Of course, life has a habit of remaining busy.

When everybody remembers something different

One of the most difficult situations following a death arises when several people genuinely believe they know what the deceased intended. One remembers a conversation over Sunday lunch. Another recalls something said during a family holiday. A third insists that Mum had always promised something entirely different.

Nobody necessarily has to be dishonest for a disagreement to develop. Memories are imperfect, conversations are interpreted differently and intentions can change over time. What seemed like a perfectly clear understanding to one person may have sounded like a passing thought to another.

The most painful family disagreements often begin not with what somebody said, but with what everybody assumed they meant.

A properly prepared Will provides legal clarity about how an estate should be dealt with. However, even a well-drafted Will cannot always explain the personal reasoning behind a decision. Where a discretionary trust is involved, for example, a Letter of Wishes can help trustees understand the circumstances, concerns and priorities that influenced the person making the Will.

It is important to remember that a Letter of Wishes generally guides trustees rather than legally binding them. That flexibility can be valuable, particularly when family circumstances change. But the explanation itself can be enormously helpful, giving those responsible for making decisions an understanding of what mattered most.

A conversation worth having

There is no need to turn every family gathering into a discussion about inheritance. Nor does everybody need to know the precise contents of your Will. Some decisions are personal, and there may be perfectly sensible reasons for keeping them confidential.

What matters is recognising the difference between something you have actually communicated and something you merely believe another person understands.

For couples, this might mean sitting down together and discussing what each of you expects to happen when the first dies. For parents, it might mean thinking carefully about whether the arrangements you've made could surprise your children, and whether some explanation would help. For anyone appointing executors or trustees, it means ensuring those individuals understand the responsibility they're being asked to undertake.

These conversations need not be gloomy or dramatic. In many cases, they bring considerable reassurance. There is comfort in discovering that you're both thinking along the same lines, and equally, there is value in discovering that you're not, while you still have the opportunity to do something about it.

We spend much of our lives learning to understand the people we love. Perhaps one of the kindest things we can do in return is make sure they don't have to guess about the decisions that matter most.